Privacy
by ApocalypseAmerican
Summary: A story, told mostly in diary format, that talks about a muggle's experiences in her schools before she found her powers. M for strong language. No explicit content. Possible trigger warning.
1. 3 months

Hi, I guess you are here to read my story. I guess I should begin.

So some things have happened since what you are about to read. I haven't seen my enemies, Alayna and Eliza, since graduation. I have no idea what has become of them, but I can say I have forgiven them for the hell they made my life in school. They will probably never read this, and thus never know. But if they do, they should have a clean conscious.

My best friend, he overdosed one day and died from it. I don't know quite what led him to drugs, but I wish he could have stayed on a better path. Derek was more thatn that, and I thought he knew it. Thingss started going downhill once Laura died, so that probably played a factor. He missed his little sister so much. Hopefully they will be reunited in whatever other world exists.

Elizabeth went on to become a freelance artist. I still talk to her, and am so, so thankful that she is still alive. She's very talented, and I admire that. We've stayed in pretty good touch so far.

Jordan still grieves over Derek. They were very close as brothers. It's been a few years, and I can only hope he gets past his bereavement. He is a bit unstable now, and I worry for his health. I don't know what his current occupation is, he has had a hard time keeping a job.

Maria and Jo moved away from Tara, our town, and went off to their own lives. I get occasional letters from them, but our contact is not very frequent. Maria studied psychiatry. Jo became a scientist.

Alice and Jacob got married. I keep good contact with them, and they are happy as ever. I go to Alice a lot for advice when I need it, just like I did in school. She's very wise, in my opinion. Jacob is still a hard worker, but he is less relaxed than he was, so much more tense. I guess time has had its trials on him. But as long as they are happy, they say, things will be alright.

Leah went into the military. She really enjoys it, from what I have heard.

And I've kept in touch through the supernatural. It spooked them at first, but they got used to it.

This is all for now. I will reveal more as I tell.

1.

9/13/16

It's a new year. I haven't seen Derek in a long time, and we are finally going to be in the same school again. Hopefully he still sees me as a friend. I've held on to that friendship for the past three years, even if he hasn't been there. It's what keeps me sane-ish. And I met this girl yesterday, Leah. She's nice enough towards me. If I'm lucky, I'll have managed to make a new friend. God, I hope I have. It would be so nice, much more pleasant, to have another friend. She's a tomboy, which I guess is kind of interesting.

She hangs out with a bunch of guys in the afternoon. Oh, before I forget, Sarah goes here. I haven't seen her since I was what, five? Anyways, Leah is really chill. Very casual in her style of dress. And we like the same people on YouTube, so that's cool.

Now I hope that nobody learns about my problem here. It was kinda hard to live with at my old school, considering Danni went out and told everyone. And I trusted her so much, too. That was like the worst betrayal I've ever experienced. Why, oh why, did she tell? I'll probably never know. But if people find out, I'll be labeled a psycho, mentally unstable, a freak. I guess I'm not the most stable person in the world, but there's nothing wrong we me, really. Nothing wrong with a little bit of self-harm every now and then. Or frequently. Either way, there's nothing wrong with it. SO why the labels? It was part of what led me to be such an outcast at my old school. Well, a combination of that and Alayna and Eliza. Those two love to mess things up for me.

9/17/16

I overheard Alayna today. She called me a screwball slut, and said I sleep around to get attention. That's so not true. But she's pretty persuasive, and much more popular than I am. So people will probably listen to her. That's worth a scoff and a sigh, in my opinion. It's disappointing to me that people allows follow what is popular. Like, do they even have minds of their owns? It's like they [my peers] are all just mindless drones. Well, except for the few like Leah. The wild, crazy, sun-loving, daredevil, intelligent, amazing individuals. Sadly the only two I know that are like that would be Leah and Derek.

Speaking of which, we picked up as if no time had passed. Turns out the friendship was valued by both parties. That would be me and him. So I think things are going well on that subject. We traded cell phone numbers. When we were little, we didn't think to do that, so we lost touch when he moved away. His father was military. So I'm so, so happy that he's back.

9/25/16

I think Derek noticed the scars. His eyes widened and he looked down, which has always been a sign of surprise for him. I thought I've been doing a good job of hiding them, but I don't know anymore. I think he knows. I hope he never did the same thing and hope he never does. But if he did, trouble could be coming.

I really like his haircut. It's sort of 'edgy', if you know what I mean. It's a little spiked, sort of, in the back, and a little teased. It looks rather cute on him, and I told him as much. To which he asked, as a joke, if I 'had a crush on him or something.' I laughed and said 'no boo.' That's what me and Leah call each other now. We call each other 'boo.'

I dyed my hair blue today and cut it. I've decided to start teasing it, too. It's like an alternative version of an emo haircut, where only the top part, the volumus part is there. I like it a lot. It's just so… freeing, I guess would be the word. I'm getting more rights to self-expression, but my mom doesn't seem to like it. My dad doesn't seem to care. At least one parent is OK with it. Someone, I call her Lin, said my wardrobe looks like I'm going to a funeral every other day. Well, I like things that way. It makes me feel more secure to wear black clothes, I don't know why though. It just does.

I started talking to one of Leah's friends. His name is Jo. Mostly our chats revolve around stuff like food and music, but I'm hoping to get someone friendly towards me out of this. Selfish, I know. But it just feels so nice when you know someone actually gives a damn about your wellbeing. Turns out he likes My Chemical Romance. He said that he leans more towards hard rock and heavy metal, whereas I like scream and pop punk.

2.

10/4/15

Derek pulled me aside to the corner during lunch and told me that he had seen the scars. Then he went on to make sure no one was looking, and told me that he had done the same before. The only other person he had told was his brother Jordan. He didn't show me, but he has never told any major lies before, and I've known him for a long time. So I believe him.

And that would be such a horrible thing to lie about anyways. No one could be so cruel as to abuse that word, that act. In the form of lying, at least. Cutting isn't a joke, despite what so many people make it out to be.

Jo has a sister named Maria. We hung out yesterday and he introduced me to her. She's a couple years below us in school, a freshman. She's a sweetheart. Very feminine. She seems to like pink, because that's all she was wearing. That's a big contrast (in my eyes) from her brother, who wears dark clothing and band wristbands. Maria isn't the brightest, but she has good intentions.

Leah tried to get me to confide in her who I have a crush on. She failed. I told her if she would tell me who she liked, I would tell her. But she refused, saying it was because it was someone I knew. So I started saying names, but she wasn't reacting to any of them, so I gave up on that tatic. But it's also the only one I know, so yeah, I don't know how else to try and get it out of her.

10/15/16

So Derek and I hung out today. We danced together a lot, so that was fun. Lin saw us and joined in on the 'dance party'. I've made a friend in this artistic girl named Elizabeth. She told me she doesn't believe the rumors are true. No one who hasn't known me has ever said that before. It made me happy.

Derek and I danced to a lot of emo-pop. A couple old ladies walked by and saw us dancing. They scowled and shook their heads in distaste. I, um, flipped them the bird. God, their expressions were wonderful. And those rumors Eliza and Alayna have spread, they're being believed. So few people are talking to me. Most won't even spare me a passing glance.

Elizabeth plays the piano. Apparently, she says, she's not very good, but she tries to challenge herself. It's like me with dancing. I try to do stuff that's difficult, but not the stuff done by people who have had years of dance practice. That's the stuff I'm just not able to do. She's in art school. She entered an application for the lessons last year and got in.

Jo seemed unusually sad today. When I asked why, he just told me to forget about it. I'm worried about him. I mean, it's not healthy. I'm such a hypocrite to say that. I mope all the time, and I'm definitely not a super go lucky person. I'm not all about sunshine and rainbows. Not at all. But it's odd, because he is usually smiling and cracking jokes.

10/22/16

So we (Derek and I) made an agreement not to cut ourselves anyone if the other wouldn't. I told him that if he leaves my life, that would be the death of me. I told him that was because I had been holding on to our friendship for so long now, even without knowing if he remembered me, and that it kept me in better mental health than I would have been otherwise.

10/31/16

So last week Leah told me who she has a crush on- it's one of those guys she hangs out with, Richard. Unfortunately, it's the same guy I like. She said she felt bad because I had been holding back on liking anyone 'like that' for years. I kept on trying to get her to think otherwise, but she kept rejecting that. I hope she doesn't feel too badly about it. That would suck. Plus I'd feel bad for having told her that I held back, because if I didn't then she wouldn't be feeling bad.

I also caught Alayna talking to Derek a couple days after that. She was whispering something in his ear. I got a wary, doubtful look from him. I wonder what she said. I think she's trying to make him not trust me. He frowned during that conversation. I have no doubt he gathered I was watching him. I guess it just didn't bother him.

3.

11/3/16

"Jo, what would you do if I died today?"

"What? Why are you asking that question?"

"Just because. Please answer it for me."

"I'd probably ball up in fetal position in the corner of my room and cry. I'd have lost a friend. Why wouldn't I cry at that? And I hope you aren't planning anything. I'll kill you, no pun intended, if you try and pull anything on me."

"Oh. Why would you cry? I mean, I'm happy we are friends, but still, I'm nothing to cry over. I'm a useless, despicable, insignificant speck in this world. If I killed myself, you would move on. The world would keep spinning, you would keep breathing. There would be no reason to cry."

"There would be pretty of reason to cry. You haven't had the chance to reach your full potential. I went through a phase where I wanted to die, eh, kill myself too. That is, if you are. But anyways, I did. And that wish ended. I don't think I would take back the experience though, because it is part of what I am. But you are special, and awesome. Don't make yourself out to be less than you are."

"That's not less than I am. That is what I am. Ok?"

"Look, can I even get through to you? Or is it impossible to penetrate your barrier of ice and sadness and sorrow?"

"You can't do it. Nobody can. I'm afraid I'm losing Derek."

"What? Why?"

"It's Alayna, again."

"Oh. Her."

"yeah, her. She was whispering something to him the other day, and he gave me a weird look. I'm just so afraid of losing him. I'll die if he goes, I know I will."

"Even if you lose him, you still have Lin, and Elizabeth, and Leah, and me."

"Yeah, I know, but…"

"But what?"

"But.. I'm not sure. I don't know why, but I value his friendship so much. Probably because he was the only person I had for the longest time. "

"I've lost friends too, you know."

"Yeah, I know, but I just can't believe that you really understand how I'm feeling."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, being sorry doesn't change jack shit."

"Yeah, I know that too. Believe me."

"I believe you on that topic."

4.

11/12/16

Derek told me he didn't really enjoy talking to me anymore. I think he feels like he's being stigmatized just by hanging out with me. Ugh, why is this happening. Why, why why why. He said he wasn't going to leave though, but only because of his promise with me. I feel absolutely miserable now. I just want to crawl up in a dark corner and cry. Just cry my heart out. He said for me to come over this weekend, though. So I'm feeling kind of confused. I'm not sure if we are still friends anymore. He seems a little more depressed.

I told Elizabeth about it and she gave me a shoulder to cry on. I hope I didn't annoy her. I can't tell, she has a great poker face. But she seems sympathetic towards me, which I appreciate. I helps a lot, more than she knows.

I really want to fix things with Derek. I don't think he quite understand just how serious I was when I said I'd die if he left my life. I held on to that connection for so many years, I just couldn't bear for it to be torn apart. And through no real fault of my own, either. It's all their fault, Alayna and Eliza. Why do they love destroying me so much? They pummeled my self-esteem into the ground in elementary and junior high, and I'm just now recovering from that. And a chunk of it was being reunited with him. So whatever will I do?

I had a long phone call with Lin today. We talked about whatever, and she commented on how girly I am, contrary to how I try and present myself. I guess that's true, as much as I hate to admit it. I told her about how girly Maria is, and she laughed at that. She said I'm not quite to that level yet. I like how she said yet. It's as if she thinks I'll end up that girly. I highly doubt it.

11/15/16

I went to the movies with Leah today. After we watched the spongebob movie, we stayed outside and moshed to the music on our phones. You know, Black Veil Brides. My Chemical Romance. Pierce The Veil. Sleeping with Sirens. All that good stuff. And there was this group of guys that saw us and started pointing and laughing. I flipped them off and laughed back at their shocked expressions. That was a lot of fun.

So Jo seems to have gotten happier. I guess it was sort of like a bout of depression. I've had those before, and oh dear god believe me they suck. So very much. I'm glad he's feeling better. He participates more in class than he used to, too. And is much more jovial. It's like he's a different person.


	2. unknown

_5._

_?/?/?_

_ "__You stopped listening, didn't you?"_

_He was silent. "Does it matter if I did? I know you broke it."_

_ "__Broke what?"_

_ "__Our agreement. I'm not a fool. I got… someone, to keep an eye on what you were up to. There was a razor hidden in your shoe."_

_ "__What? That's preposterous! I care to much about you to hurt you, you should know that!"_

_ "__Show me your arms. Now."_

_ "__Fine…" she rolled up a sleeve, taking care nobody was watching, and revealed a long vertical cut. "But it's fine. It's not that deep and-"_

_ "__It's not ok. I'm not ok. Not with this anyways. And just so you now, I never really stopped."_

_ "__Wait- what?"_

_ "__You heard me. I've been lying to you about being clean."_

_ "__Why would you do that?"_

_ "__In an effort to keep you safe. But I guess it didn't work, did it?" he said. "I've failed there, and you know what? I don't know why I tried to help a little attention whore."_

_ "__Huh? I'm not an attention whore!"_

_ "__that's what any whore would say."_

_ "__I've tried to hide my cuts for years! I failed at my last school, but I thought I was doing a fine job until you noticed!"_

_ "__You did a shitty job! And Alayna told me how much of a bitch you were during junior high!"_

_ "__What? She was my biggest bully!"_

_ "__If that was the case, then you should have told me! We were friends, right? Yeah, I thought so. But she had the courage to inform me of the truth before you, which probably would have been all lies anyways. I actually gave two shits about your health and you threw all that away like it was nothing. Was it nothing to you?"_

_ "__No, it meant everything to me! And I thought that it would bog down our relationship if I told you, considering you already knew about the cuts!"_

_ "__Lies. All lies."_

_ "__Look… would you care if I killed myself? Honestly!"_

_ "__Not anymore. I'm past caring. You don't deserve caring, or friendships, or love in any form for having made Alayna's life hell."_

_ "__But-" _

_ "__Go kill yourself."_

_ "__Fine. I already had it planned anyways."_

_ "__Good."_


End file.
